New Year's Resolution

Let me first say for the record that me and Jennifer Sun are NOT going out, I'm not trying to "holler", and I do not see us going out in the future. Reason? It's quite simple, we're related, she's my sister. O'hana. So, in case you were wondering, there's your answer. Thought I'd clear that up with all the rumors and whispering I've been hearing lately.

One long ass entry coming up...

Every year I say I'm going to really work on my New Year's resolution, but it always seems to fall apart. For example, last year my resolution was to stop using profanities, and it went well for a while, then it kind of just fell apart some time in October. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

And now for my 2006 New Year's resolution...*drumroll please*

I'm going to stop relying so much on blogs to get my point across.

20 years now I've let my emotions build up inside me. Me? I'm too nice of a guy to tell someone to their face how I feel. So I write everything down, a way of venting I suppose. I don't think that it's good for me to bottle up like that, so from now on, I'm just going to tell people right then how I feel. Whether they are my friend or not, and if I so happen to lose a friend, so be it. The forgotten mind will no longer be forgotten.

That said, I do have one thing that has been killing me the past few weeks.

You know how every 18 year old kid that just graduated from high school is looking forward to going to college because they will have that new found freedom that they never had before? For me, the first day of college was the day I had looked forward to since I realized how strict my parents were. I'm out of the house, I thought to myself, and they can't tell me what to do anymore. Now, being 20 (almost 21), and after 3 years of college, I've realized that NOTHING has changed with them. They are the same strict, selfish parents who cannot say the word "yes", the same people that once told me that I wasn't allowed to leave the house after sunset because "that's when freaks come out".

They say they make their decisions for my own good. Who are they to determine what is good for me? It's not like I'm 13 years old, I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions now. What decisions do they give me now? I get to choose when I go to bed! (something they didn't let me do until I was 18). I get to choose my major! I even get to choose who I can be friends with! Other than that, there isn't much slack.

Is it any surprise that I have to lie to my parents just so I can go to the movies with my friends at 9pm? I hate to lie, and I don't lie to anybody but them, but what can I do? I don't want it to be like this, but with dominating parents like mine who won't let you drive past 11pm because of "the roads are full of drunk drivers" I have no choice. And to tell you the truth, I don't even feel guilty about it, because in the past it was my parents LYING TO ME to get what they wanted. My parents told me I could transfer out of Charter if I didn't like it the first year I came, and then when I asked to be transferred back to Concord, what did they say? "Sorry son, we lied to you. You are staying at Charter. We only said that so you would stop complaining." They didn't even ask me if I wanted to go to Charter! And now, when I want to go snowboarding, they tell me some bullshit excuse about how I just had "surgery" and that I need to recover. Please, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Big deal. They tell me that next time, they won't stop me from going anywhere, that I don't need to ask them, but is it going to be another flat out lie? It's always been about lies with them, to get their own way, to make me shut up so I would stop arguing. Last time I asked to go skiing where they just flat out turned me down because they got injured on the slopes and don't want me getting hurt? Sure, it sounds like its caring, but what about the time I get to hang out with my friends? Why should I be deprived of that? Maybe this is why I keep to myself all the time, why I can't communicate freely with my peers. Maybe its because my parents have sheltered me too much over the past 20 years, preached to me that you cannot trust other people and you must rely on you and your family to survive. I want to change that.

And now I'm confused in my flurry of thoughts and I have no idea where this is headed. So I'll just continue...

And though this may seem like a way of venting, a way to blow off steam, it most certainly is not. My parents, while we were arguing earlier today, told me they didn't want to argue anymore, but if I wanted to continue "venting", they would listen, as if they were there for me or something. Another reason why I cannot stand the way they treat me, they think my fits of anger are just childish frustrations, there is no thought behind my arguments. They think I cannot think on my own, and that I will always need them to make decisions for me. Wrong.

I think the problem is instead of supporting my decisions, they come up with with thier own decisions for me because they are afraid that I will make the wrong one. But how am I suppose to learn anything if I don't make those mistakes myself? How am I suppose to grow into my own if I have my parents making every decision for me based on what THEY went through? How are they so sure that their decision isn't causing more problems than benefits?

Now I'm wondering, how long will this last? When will they finally realize that I am capable of making my own decisions? When will they stop treating me like a 13 year old? My parents want me to move back in with them after college, but I'm having a hard time picturing that. I'd much rather be broke but living on my own with the ability to do whatever I want than to be rich and live with them and go through what I'm going through now. I don't see them ever changing.

My dad once told me "You have to fight for what you believe is right. And if that means losing a friend, so be it, kick their ass."

This is my stand. Happy new year everyone.