Let it do what it do

If you are thinking to yourself "Oh man its another one of Alan's blog entries" and if you think I do this just for the sake of keeping a journal, I don't think you should stop reading this post or any other post I write.

It's like someone who works in the cameras section at Best Buy and can't even explain to me what a "megapixel" is except that the more you have is better. If you don't know why I continually write in this blog, then you shouldn't be reading it.

For me this blog is the only way I know how to communicate with people, as strange as that may seem. This isn't a regular "journal" if you will, one where I go through my day talking about my day, because quite frankly that's kind of boring. This is the only place where I can say what I want freely, say everything I want to say without leaving anything out, because I have that problem of leaving things out when I talk in person. Writing has always been my outlet since I find it hard to find someone I can actually talk to about anything and everything. In other words, the paper is always there to listen to me, and its always going to listen, and its never going to talk back.

I shouldn't even have to explain myself. You shouldn't even be reading this entry. This shouldn't even be an issue but it is. Some people don't take what I write seriously. And you don't have to, but if you don't like what I write, if you don't understand why I say what I say, don't read my blog anymore. Don't talk about my blog anymore.

This ain't a game, son.

Let me take that back...

And now, a day after I said I would stop relying on blog entries as a means to communicate my thoughts, I have realized that it is almost impossible for me to stop writing about what is on my mind. It is pretty much my only outlet. And so, a day after making my resolution to not rely on blogging so much, I take it back, knowing full well I will be blogging for the rest of my life.

I say this because I have more to say.

As for my "rant" the other night, they came home today. They looked at my cheeks, my dad tells me "Your cheeks aren't swollen anymore!" Exactly as I had stated before. Then a couple hours later, he calls me down to the basement to help him put up dry wall. I mutter to myself that I can't help since my jaw is swollen, but my dad ignores it. I suppose its ok for me to put up dry wall and carry it from the store to the car to the basement is ok, but snowboarding down a hill is too dangerous. Makes sense.

On a completely different subject (actually there is a subtle transition)

I remember one time in the past where my biggest fear was to be without friends. To have nobody to talk to or to rely on. And in a way, I'm kind of living that fear right now, and to tell you the truth, I'm almost at a point where I DON'T want any friends. Sure, I know a lot of people, I talk to a lot of people, some my even consider me as a "friend". But in reality, I'm not their friend. It's funny how people will betray your trust just to get ahead, to use you as a means to an end. One shouldn't "pass their load" to their "friends", sit there and watch them pull your weight as well as theirs, then take the credit just so they could reap the benefits. There is no reason why someone should lie to their "friends" just so they can have a random hookup, or doesn't tell you everything just to get a little extra cash, or leaves you out in the cold to please their other friends, even though you thought you've known them longer and were closer to them.

Dictionary.com defines a friend as "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts." and " A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade". My question is, how can you be a trustworthy person if you pull shit like this off to your friends? TO YOUR FRIENDS OF ALL PEOPLE. The people who believe in you and trust you, the ones who rely on you when they are in a struggle? All for what? For your self-glorification? To make you feel better about yourself? Whatever, what goes around comes around. Karma. Yin and Yang. Whatever.

Trust me, I don't need you as much as you need me.

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?