New Year's Resolution

Let me first say for the record that me and Jennifer Sun are NOT going out, I'm not trying to "holler", and I do not see us going out in the future. Reason? It's quite simple, we're related, she's my sister. O'hana. So, in case you were wondering, there's your answer. Thought I'd clear that up with all the rumors and whispering I've been hearing lately.

One long ass entry coming up...

Every year I say I'm going to really work on my New Year's resolution, but it always seems to fall apart. For example, last year my resolution was to stop using profanities, and it went well for a while, then it kind of just fell apart some time in October. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

And now for my 2006 New Year's resolution...*drumroll please*

I'm going to stop relying so much on blogs to get my point across.

20 years now I've let my emotions build up inside me. Me? I'm too nice of a guy to tell someone to their face how I feel. So I write everything down, a way of venting I suppose. I don't think that it's good for me to bottle up like that, so from now on, I'm just going to tell people right then how I feel. Whether they are my friend or not, and if I so happen to lose a friend, so be it. The forgotten mind will no longer be forgotten.

That said, I do have one thing that has been killing me the past few weeks.

You know how every 18 year old kid that just graduated from high school is looking forward to going to college because they will have that new found freedom that they never had before? For me, the first day of college was the day I had looked forward to since I realized how strict my parents were. I'm out of the house, I thought to myself, and they can't tell me what to do anymore. Now, being 20 (almost 21), and after 3 years of college, I've realized that NOTHING has changed with them. They are the same strict, selfish parents who cannot say the word "yes", the same people that once told me that I wasn't allowed to leave the house after sunset because "that's when freaks come out".

They say they make their decisions for my own good. Who are they to determine what is good for me? It's not like I'm 13 years old, I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions now. What decisions do they give me now? I get to choose when I go to bed! (something they didn't let me do until I was 18). I get to choose my major! I even get to choose who I can be friends with! Other than that, there isn't much slack.

Is it any surprise that I have to lie to my parents just so I can go to the movies with my friends at 9pm? I hate to lie, and I don't lie to anybody but them, but what can I do? I don't want it to be like this, but with dominating parents like mine who won't let you drive past 11pm because of "the roads are full of drunk drivers" I have no choice. And to tell you the truth, I don't even feel guilty about it, because in the past it was my parents LYING TO ME to get what they wanted. My parents told me I could transfer out of Charter if I didn't like it the first year I came, and then when I asked to be transferred back to Concord, what did they say? "Sorry son, we lied to you. You are staying at Charter. We only said that so you would stop complaining." They didn't even ask me if I wanted to go to Charter! And now, when I want to go snowboarding, they tell me some bullshit excuse about how I just had "surgery" and that I need to recover. Please, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Big deal. They tell me that next time, they won't stop me from going anywhere, that I don't need to ask them, but is it going to be another flat out lie? It's always been about lies with them, to get their own way, to make me shut up so I would stop arguing. Last time I asked to go skiing where they just flat out turned me down because they got injured on the slopes and don't want me getting hurt? Sure, it sounds like its caring, but what about the time I get to hang out with my friends? Why should I be deprived of that? Maybe this is why I keep to myself all the time, why I can't communicate freely with my peers. Maybe its because my parents have sheltered me too much over the past 20 years, preached to me that you cannot trust other people and you must rely on you and your family to survive. I want to change that.

And now I'm confused in my flurry of thoughts and I have no idea where this is headed. So I'll just continue...

And though this may seem like a way of venting, a way to blow off steam, it most certainly is not. My parents, while we were arguing earlier today, told me they didn't want to argue anymore, but if I wanted to continue "venting", they would listen, as if they were there for me or something. Another reason why I cannot stand the way they treat me, they think my fits of anger are just childish frustrations, there is no thought behind my arguments. They think I cannot think on my own, and that I will always need them to make decisions for me. Wrong.

I think the problem is instead of supporting my decisions, they come up with with thier own decisions for me because they are afraid that I will make the wrong one. But how am I suppose to learn anything if I don't make those mistakes myself? How am I suppose to grow into my own if I have my parents making every decision for me based on what THEY went through? How are they so sure that their decision isn't causing more problems than benefits?

Now I'm wondering, how long will this last? When will they finally realize that I am capable of making my own decisions? When will they stop treating me like a 13 year old? My parents want me to move back in with them after college, but I'm having a hard time picturing that. I'd much rather be broke but living on my own with the ability to do whatever I want than to be rich and live with them and go through what I'm going through now. I don't see them ever changing.

My dad once told me "You have to fight for what you believe is right. And if that means losing a friend, so be it, kick their ass."

This is my stand. Happy new year everyone.

In regards to the Filpinos

edit 12/27: Happy Holidays to everyone reading this. If you are interested, I received awesome gifts, including: cash, thera-pedic slippers, a laptop bookbag, a 5/6 full bottle of hypnotiq, a copy of the "Da Vinci Code" (borrowed), and a starbucks gift card. Spending time with my family (or rather families) was probably the best gift of all.

I've had the pleasure of spending the past few months observing, conversing, and at times, living with this rare breed from the Pacific islands, and I must say they are...interesting to say the least. A few things I have learned:

1)

This man (we'll call him Tito Ruben) seems to be the leader of the Filipinos at every major dancing event. He leads the others in what they like to call "line dances" with various steps and intriguing hand motions. Boy, do they love their line dancing. Also a wealthy man, he likes to take his people to a sheisty Vietnamese restaurant and pay for them all. I was honored with the chance to shake his hand and thank him for his genorosity, for which he responded "twas nothing. See you on the dance floor next time!" What a guy.


2)

The Filipino male population have rather similar physical characteristics. A stereotypical Filipino male is pictured above. Notice, the lack of hair and if you look closely, the thick eyebrows. Quite a specimen I must say.

3) There seems to be a substantial number of male Filipinos compared to female Filipinos in the 17-21 age range. I noticed this discrepency when I attended this so called "rager" at a Filipino house and noticed 10 males sitting around talking to 2 females.

4) Every Filipino has 2 sets of names. The first set is given to them by their parents at birth. The second set is given to them by their peers within the Filipino community. One cannot be a true Filipino without a Filipino nickname. Examples of such nicknames are Jgus, Meezk, Chiggzzz, gLuv, minigus, h dot, wu, tweeaaakkkkk, boobing, weezy, etc. I am currently trying to obtain a nickname.

5) I currently know a few commonly used words of their language, or pseudo-language. Some commonly used phrases include "HOY!", "YOU EAAATTTT", and "chillllll".

6) THEY ROLL DEEP. VERY DEEP. TOO DEEP FOR MY OWN GOOD IF YOU ASK ME.

Overall, an interesting group of people if I do say so myself. They've even confused me as one of their own! The reincarnation of one Rico Yan.

I don't see the resemblence...

The Empty Mind

Has anybody ever told you that you should "stop living in the past"? Or that you should stop "dwelling on the past"? Wouldn't it be so much easier if you couldn't remember the past? If we weren't meant to relive the past, then why do we still remember them in our heads? Why should we keep memories at all?

Imagine a world in which nostalgia didn't exist because the memories of our earlier days were never retained. Would we be better off?

No, I'm not talking about short-term memory loss like in the movie Memento. I'm talking about specific events of the past that you re-play in your head 10 years after the fact. The ones that stick out like a sore thumb, the ones that are re-lived vividly everytime they come up as if you were there. But what for? Why do we re-live those moments if we know we can never live them again? Why do they stick out in our minds so clearly as if it happened yesterday?

I'll give you an example. It was my freshman year of high school and it was the 2nd to last game of the basketball season. We were playing Christiana, the score was 42-39, Christiana. There was about 6 seconds left in the 4th quarter. I had already missed an easy layup in the game and I was benched for most of the 4th quarter, but I was the best shooter on the team, they needed me for the last shot. The inbounds pass was by our end, so my teammate throws it down court, fortunately coming to me. I caught the ball right at the 3 point line, but instead of shooting a 3, I drive it to the hoop. The other team gives me a free shot, knowing that a layup will not hurt them, but I miss it anyways. Had I made my 2 layups, we would have won the game. But then again, that goes back to the "What if?" question I ask in my last post, and I have come to the conclusion that it just wasn't meant to be. But why do I still think about that specific moment to this day? It's so relatively meaningless. So many other things happened to me that year that was much more important, my first time living away from home at summer college, my first kiss, my transfer to Charter from Concord, my first year back in the states, my first marriage (hahaha). Why some stupid high school basketball game?

Consequently, that was also the first year I learned to speak my mind via pen and paper, and now look what its transformed to.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep–while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-E.A Poe "Dream within a Dream"