A pretty morbid entry.

Month number 9 of 24 straight months of classes.

Well...I made it. I survived. The spring semester of my junior year is complete. There was so much adversity this semester, both academically and socially, and all of it has made me grow up in a hurry. And it has actually got me thinking...

Yes, this semester was very hard for me, and yes I did learn a lot about myself this semester, and yes I did grow up a lot. But that means I've changed. I hate change. I feel like a completely different person, and I don't know if I like it. I don't know if the people closest to me like it. I feel like I'm always angry at someone, and then I lash out and act like an asshole. I was always the nice guy, but now I feel like I'm not. Is this good for me? For you? I don't know!

And now, I'm a senior. I can't believe it. The past 3 years have gone by so quickly. It seems like yesterday when I packed that blue van of mine and left my house for UD. Yesterday I was on a bus to Boston in -4 degree weather to visit one of my closest friends. And now, here I am, a senior in college, with no CLUE what I'm doing, what I want to do, and where I want to go.

But for the seniors of the present, congratulations for making it through. I wish you all luck in your future endeavors and I hope that some of you keep in touch(yay for AIM!) and don't forget me, because you really are important to me. You guys will be sorely missed.

In a completely random thought, the fortune I got in my fortune cookie the other day read "You will have a romantic evening tonight." Yes, I'm still waiting for that evening. Though, I may have an explanation for that. If you have noticed, I have NEVER said I have a best friend, and my explanation to people is that I don't believe in best friends. My prior "best friends" don't even talk to me anymore, they don't even remember me, or they are dead. However, when I said I don't believe in a best friend (notice singular, best is implicitly singular, so when people introduce others as "one of their best friends", I laugh), its not really the truth. I do believe in a best friend, but my definition of a best friend is a female, namely, a wife. So, when I am interested in a girl, I take the friend approach. I need to make sure that this girl is completely right for me before I make any steps. By then, I'm already placed on the friend's ladder and thus, when I finally do make a move, its "awkward". I hate it. Maybe I should change my dating habits. My pickiness is giving me negative game. Maybe lower my standards? That's just being desperate. I'm going to do me. Maybe I will meet a girl who thinks like me and we will become best friends. Although, sometimes I feel like our paths have already crossed.

Anyhow, as a summery, I have no idea who I am, who I want to be, or what I will become. My biggest fear is starting to come true. How am I going to fix this?

The next change in my life: Move on quicker. I keep telling myself "don't dwell in the past", and I know its not good but I do it ALL the time. I always wish I was back in Singapore, but I'm not. Life is not static. We all move forward. Fate has brought change because it is for the better. I need to accept this.

Next year will bring new challenges, new people, and new adversities. I hope I'm ready.

What do you know about me?

Ignore the blog I wrote before...I was just blowing off steam.

You think you know me? Which of these statements is true and which are false?

1) My middle name is Luan.
2) My favorite color is green.
3) I lived in Singapore for one year.
4) I've had 2 girlfriends in my lifetime.
5) I don't have a best friend.
6) I've had 2 near death experiences.
7) Red polka dots freak me out.
8) My biggest pet peeve is tardiness.
9) I'm allergic to grass.
10) My favorite food is Thai, even more so than Vietnamese.
11) I'm a 2nd degree black belt in Taekwondo.
12) I was 32-19 in tennis matches in high school.
13) I've never smoked one cigarette in my entire life.
14) I was once hit on by a gay dude.
15) I didn't know what Abercrombie and Fitch was until about the year 2000.
16) I was once stopped by the police because I was confused as a murderer.
17) My biggest fear is being alone in the world.
18) I've been to over 20 different countries in 4 continents.
19) Of all the people I know, there are only 3 people I am comfortable telling them anything.
20) My first screen name was hotice5000.
21) I like Asian girls, but I can't stand Asian porn.
22) I can't stand MOST white girls.
23) I've never worked outside of a bank.
24) I wish I could play the piano.
25) I didn't know how the rules of tennis until high school.

If you knew me, you'd know the answer to all of them.

Trust

I just spent the last 15 minutes coming up with this clever introduction into this blog post but then I realized that I'm just a little too annoyed to be thinking too much and I'm going to come out and say what's on my mind.

I thought I had my trust issues with people taken care of, but over the past couple of months I have been getting that feeling again. I feel like I always have to keep my guard up, watch what I say to and around people. I feel like my wall has been put back up and I'm crawling back into that state where I'm just a loner. I don't want to talk to people anymore because some people can't be trusted with the privacy of the conversations I have with them.

Trust. THE MOST important part of a friendship is TRUST. It is my #1 priority to make sure that my friends trust me and have the confidence to come talk to me about whatever they need and know that whatever they tell me stays with me and only me. Thus, when I tell somebody something, I would hope that it is THEIR #1 priority that whatever I tell them stays with them, and only them. If there is no trust, how could there be any communication and thus, how could there be any relationship?

Trust. This is part of the problem between me and my mother. She talks too much. I hear her talk on the phone about gossip between her other friends. I'm afraid she will talk to her friends about me. This is why I don't tell her anything.

Trust. This is why I'm known as "the quiet one" or the "stoic one". This is why my mind is forgotten. Because I don't like to talk about other people's issues. Gossip sucks. I learned that the hard way this semester. Information spreads like wildfire. You think you can tell ONE person who you thought you could trust and pretty soon the entire community knows. Makes me want to go back to the old, "loser" Alan Nguyen of high school.

Trust. Probably the most important trait I find in a human being. If I can't trust you, you can't, and won't, be my friend. And if you do consider me as your friend, I hold it as the highest honor/compliment, and I hope that you will trust me and have the confidence to come talk to me about whatever it is you want to talk about. And if I somehow manage to screw up your trust in me, I didn't mean it to happen and I would understand if you never talked to me again.

One staggering fact about me: Of all the people I know, there are only 3 people who I feel I can talk to about anything. Perhaps my biggest fear will come true...

Somewhere I Belong

When people in Delaware ask me why I love Singapore so much, they never understand. "It's such a small country" or "I hear you can't chew gum there or they whip you" or "How could you like any other country besides the States?"

The answer is very simple to me. The answer I have probably won't make sense to most people. But it doesn't matter. All I know is at some point I will live in Singapore again.

I'll tell you my story. Maybe you can figure out why I loved it so much. Maybe somebody will finally understand what that tiny island means to me. Maybe some day, one day, I will take someone with me to Singapore and I will show them what it means to me.

It was midnight when I arrived in Singapore for the first time. As soon as I stepped off the plane I knew it would not be a good summer. It was muggy, humid, and extremely hot. About an hour later, I arrived at my condominium where I was going to live for a year. It was small and compacted, a great contrast from my home back in Delaware. To make matters even worse, none of my belongings had arrived yet. At that time I thought living in Singapore would be the worst experience of my life.

In Singapore, I went to an American school. The curriculum was exactly the same as in the United States, except the school is much more lavish than public schools. There was a Burger King and a Domino’s in the cafeteria for lunch. There were four pools in the school, as well as a stadium for sporting events. My class field trip was to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It was by far, the BEST school I have ever gone to, I'd put it right up there with the University of Delaware.

I used Singapore’s excellent transportation system frequently. I could go anywhere in the country for less than three dollars. Quick and easy access to such places as major strip malls, arcades, and movie theaters made me more outgoing. Every weekend, my friends and I would go to each other’s house, play video games, and then go to Taco Bell, our favorite hang out. My weekends in Singapore were much more exciting than my weekends in Delaware because I never had to worry about transportation, and there was always something to do.

The local Singaporeans consisted of three races: the Malay, the Chinese, and the Indians. Singapore gave me the opportunity to learn of all three of these cultures. For the first time, I experienced a true Chinese New Year celebration. This blending of cultures was truly an experience that could not be witnessed anywhere else in the world.

Leaving Singapore was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had to leave behind the new friends I made, the sites I saw, and the country I called home for a whole year. Singapore was much more than a “vacation.” It was about growth, understanding, and appreciation. It made me the individual that I am today.