Warning: Long rant below

Before I begin...I would like to say that I witnessed a foot chase between a white dude and 2 cops right outside my window. The cop (who is black) said the white guy was stupid for running, and the white boy cries out "RACISM!!" SMFH @ white people HAHA we all know racism is a one way street. jk! jk!

Where do I begin? Never have I had so much stress, worried so much about a single semester than this one. Why? I don't know. Maybe its the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing for my very last computer science requirement course. Maybe its the fact that I am DONE in 9 months. Maybe its the fact that I hate computer science and I have no desire to do it anymore. Maybe its all of it?

Sure. It's my senior year in college. I'm supposed to be enjoying it right? No. This semester has by far been my worst semester since I've been here. I've been in school for a year now. I think for the first time in college, I've felt like a loner. Some of my closest friends have all graduated. Others have boyfriends/girlfriends. My friends that I could depend on to get me through my comp sci classes are no longer in any of my classes. I hate this feeling. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I've been so busy this semester to even worry about feeling alone. Between classes and work, I'm usually running around campus helping people, taking care of post-graduation stuff and just worrying about freaking graduating. I usually have about 2 hours a day to myself which I usually spend talking to people on AIM. How exciting! I've also developed this nasty habit of drinking a beer with my roomate every night just to chill out and calm down and going out to the bars on weekends to drink my sorrows away. As a result, I feel like I'm behind in all my classes.

But this post isn't going to be all depressing. I was meeting with a career advisor the other day and he was telling me all about some of the jobs I could get as an Econ major. He showed me a few job listings and as I read through them, I really started to get interested. I had been freaking out that morning (I usually wake up in a sense of panic and anxiety these days) but after reading some of those descriptions, I wasn't worrying. It gave me something to look forward to, if I could somehow just get past this semester, I could be helping people make money for the rest of my life. Cool. Later, I was talking to a friend who is in Finance, and we started talking about investing and how people make lots of money if invested correctly. We must have talked for an hour or so and I was genuinely interested, and I realized that this is what I want to do. Before, people would ask me what I want to do with my life, and my reply was always "I'll take it day by day". Now I finally have a purpose.

Going back to this semester, I was about 5 minutes and a few mouse clicks away from dropping Computer Science. I just couldn't deal with it, I have no interest in it anymore, I don't want to have it as my job when I get out, so why even have the degree? A minor would probably be best. But then I thought, if I drop now, my group is screwed, and I hate screwing people over. That, and it was too late to drop, and my only choice was to pass/fail the class and if I passed it I would have been angry for not keeping it as normal grading. So after deciding not to drop, I had to convince myself that I was going to pass this semester. Then I thought back to this past semester when I was having so much trouble with my comp sci class when I had contemplations of dropping and quitting the major, but yet I found a way to get through it. Yes, it sucked. I remember those weekends of programming, the 14 hour programming sessions in my friend's rooms the night before trying to finish. Last semester, I didn't know anything about C#. I didn't know (still don't really) java which made it even HARDER to learn C#, but I made it. Now, I'm in the same spot. I don't know anything about this UML/software engineering crap. But whatever it takes, I'm going to get through this. My group will get through this. This will not fail with me, nor will they let me fail.

I suck at life...I'm such a mess.

It shouldn't be like this.

When I first decided to do this double major thing, I knew it was going to be hard. But I didn't think it was going to be THIS hard. It's been in school for a full year straight now, with 1-2 weeks of breaks every 3-4 months or so. I think it has finally hit me. I'm tired. I can't deal with these classes anymore. I just don't have the motivation. I just want to fast forward to June when I graduate and start the summer of Alan. That means doing nothing and relaxing with my favorite people.

Unfortunately, I did not find a magical remote control that can fast forward through life like Adam Sandler did. Now I'm faced with one of my most challenging semesters ever. Everything is coming together all at once and is ready to kick my ass and beat me down. It's the last test before they send me off to the "real world". Not only do I have to worry about my classes (which for some reason come with so much stress this semester, more about that later), I have other stuff I now need to worry about because, well I'm 9 months from the end. I have to talk to my advisors and make sure I have all my classes in order to graduate. I have to fix up my resume so I can find a job. I'm now a TA for some stupid CISC101 class which is just additional responsibility I need to deal with. I'm in 3 clubs which I have minimal job requirements but end up helping more than I should because some are young and inexperienced, which I don't mind, but I guess part of all the stress I'm dealing with is my fault. I'd like to think people can rely on me, that I'm not a slacker and that people can trust me to get the job done. I guess I take on too much and I get overwhelmed.

But usually, I have a support system to help me get through this kind of stuff. Friends that are usually in the same class as me and we program together to get shit done. Friends I can usually talk to when I just need a break. This semester, I think I'm lacking it. I don't know many people in the same class as me, and if I do they aren't in my group (probably because they know I'm a shitty programmer). My closest friends in college have either graduated or too busy with other things to listen to my problems. For the first time I actually feel like I'm going through this alone.

(This is turning out to be pretty long)

But somehow, even through all these adversities, I can see myself getting out of this jam. Like I said before...I've gone too far, it's too late to turn back now. It's either succeed and get 2 degrees or fail and accept that I tried my hardest. I didn't think I was going to make it past the spring, but I did. I don't think I can make it past the Fall, but somehow I will. My comp sci group will not want to fail either, and they will do whatever it takes to pass with me.

Also, I'm thinking of sending in a postsecret but I have no artistic skills.

September 11, 2006

I can't believe it has been 5 years since that day. It has gone by so fast that its impact today is still almost as strong as it was on September 12, 2001. I felt like today was the day after 9/11. Everybody was in a somber mood, going about their business with no real effort or emotion, as if they were just going through the steps. Throughout the day I was constantly brought back to 9/11/01, and my vision of that day is still very clear in my head.

It was my junior year at Charter and it was 3rd period, which was a study hall for me. Every study hall I would go down to the library and cleverly find a way past the school proxy to play stupid flash games on the internet that were otherwise blocked. For some reason that day, I got bored of my games and returned to my usual study hall class in Mr. Biehl's room. When I walked into the room, everybody looked shocked and I heard the radio on. Mr. Biehl's room didn't have a TV, so when I heard that one of the World Trade Centers had been hit, I didn't make such a big deal about it. It wasn't until I went to my English class, where there was a TV, when I realized the magnitude of the situation. That was when I saw the 2nd tower get hit by a plane, and I knew at that time we were in trouble. I remember some of the students crying and frantically punching digits into their cell phone to find out information about their loved ones. I especially remember Jen Sun calling her dad in NYC to find out how he was doing. They let us out early that day, I remember the announcement coming moments after the last tower fell.

The bus ride home was full of crazy theories and speculation. "I heard there were 4 more planes that were highjacked" (we now know there were 2 others). "Yeah...I heard one was headed towards the nuclear power plant near us." (Nope.)

The rest of the day I spent glued to my TV at home. After 3-4 hours of watching the news on every single channel (just to see if I could get more info), I decided to go to 7-11 with a few friends of mine on bike. We bought the newspaper that just came out about the attack (I'm so pissed I don't have it anymore) and we just sat at a bench and read it. I remember looking up at the sky and seeing no airplanes at all flying. It was a perfectly clear day, there were no clouds at all, and basically the sky was completely blue with nothing but the sun in it. Usually, there are planes that pass through us to land at Philly, so they are lower than usual and are pretty loud, so not hearing anything was a change for us. I went home and we just watched more news all night. And that was my day.

Pretty eerie stuff. I was going to write more tonight, about what I'm going through and what I'm dealing with now, but as I was writing this I realized that what I'm feeling now doesn't mean shit compared to what September 11th brings to many people every year. It must suck to have a birthday on September 11th knowing that you could never really celebrate your birthday because of what happened in 2001 (sorry Matt and Gayle). So, I will save my bitching and complaining for tomorrow or another day and I will end this post by honoring those who lost their lives that day and that we should never forget what happened on September 11, 2001.

Updates

Update of events in August:
-I managed to survive my summer sessions and actually got 3 A's for the summer. Go me.
-Went on a cruise 2 days after my last classes. It was really nice to relax for a week after 10 weeks of classes.
-Lost a total of $150 in the month of August due to gambling. Probably about the same in alcohol.
-Sandy and Emily came to visit DE for a weekend. Very awesome time hanging out with them again. Not sure how JQuon and I will survive this year but life goes on I suppose.
-I had this crazy dream the other week. It was one of those rare ones that I remember vividly, and so perhaps I will turn it into a story. Actually I had two, but I don't think I'll write a story about the second one...

And so here I am again at the beginning of yet another semester. It's been 12 straight months of classes with yet another 8 months left to go. The first week of classes started this past week and I'm feeling terribly unmotivated. Perhaps it is the senioritis, perhaps it is the non-stop classes. Whatever it is, it's not good. It's funny, if you read my post 3 years ago I talked about how much I wanted to go to college and now, I can't wait until I get out. Sure I will miss all the people and the freedom, but all these classes just...suck.

There's one other thing I have on my mind...but I'll save it for the right words.